This past week our lives have changed. It was hectic. Tantrums. Crying. Loneliness. Wonderment. Abandonment. Crying. Soul searching. Fear. Questioning.....
Our little girl started preschool. Her first day was Monday August 15th, 2011. But first let me back up.
A few weeks ago we went to visit Mike's parents, Grandpa Wayne and Grandma Sandi. We needed to do it before school started but we really needed to do it for Mike's peace of mind. There was a tragedy in the Keene family and they lost a very important person in their life. Mike wanted to make sure his dad was in fact ok. We went down to Pensacola and had a fantastic few days checking out their new place, visiting museums, and watching stunning sunsets every evening from their back deck looking over the Bay. Claire absolutely loved it all. She had said on several occasions "I need to visit Grandpa, He needs to see me.". While we were there I started getting a tooth ache. At first it was nothing but a nuisance, not real painful. By Sunday afternoon, the day we were headed home, it became pretty painful. That night I couldn't sleep. I have never had a more painful pain ever. Childbirth was a piece of cake compared to this pain. I got up Monday (well I can't say got up because I never slept) and made the dreaded call to a local dentist. I have an extreme fear of dentist. More than any normal person. I won't go into details but trust me. I woke Mike up and told him I had made an appt. He knew I was serious. I cried. It hurt. I cussed it. I prayed for some of the pain to at least ease. It was finally time for my appt and I was nervous but relieved that I may get some relief. I got the dreaded news, 'You need either a root canal or it needs to be extracted. The infection is deep.'. Well we all know that dental insurance really rather sucks. They don't like to pay for things, they will however pay for prevention. Mike had told me that if those were my options the root canal would probably be my best bet and well the dentist said the same thing. 2 prescriptions later and an appt set for my root canal I left the office. Once again I did not sleep that night or the next one. The pain pills didn't even touch the pain so i sat with a cold compress day and night on the side of my face. Finally Wednesday I had some relief. By Thursday night I noticed that I was having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic they had given me. GREAT! Call the dentist the next morning and he said "Stop taking that.". I made it through the weekend and Monday morning I had my root canal. The dentist did a fantastic job even though after my face woke up it felt like my jaw had been broken. Ok so I had new pain pills and guess what...I was allergic to them. Well fantastic. Anyway lets just say for a solid week it was Hell at this household. Poor Mike was having to do my job and his.
Now to Mike's situation. Ever since we have been back from Florida he has worked. Not one single day off. None. He works 12-14 hours and if you do the math that only leaves so many hours of the day. And most of the remaining has been spent on sleeping, eating lunch, getting a shower and then off to work again. He hasn't had a day to spend with Claire. He even missed the first PTO meeting that he so wanted to attend because someone didn't make it to work. Well after 12 days of working straight (Saturday the 13th) Claire finally had a meltdown of all meltdowns. She misses her daddy. She just wants him to come home. She would do anything for just 1 day with him.
Now we are back to Monday the 15th. She was so excited for school, back pack on her back, new Dora shoes on her feet she was ready to go. We arrived and she stuck to my leg. I finally got her to sit and color. I told her I would be back in a while to get her and to have a good day and I turned and left. Once in my car I began to tear up. Is she old enough? Is she ready? Am I ready? I kept coming back to the answer YES. She needs the social interaction. She needs structure. She needs to be more independent. When I showed back up to get her she was so happy to see me. She hugged me like she never has before. SHe was steady telling me about her day and how she missed me, missed me and hadn't wanted me to leave. I explained to her that Mama would always be there for her and I would always be there to pick her up. She told me she got in trouble on the play ground for taking her shoes off. I then told her that she has to keep her shoes on at all times at school.
Tuesday she was home with me. She goes M,W, and F. I enjoyed her home with me but noticed she was acting out more. Wanting attention, doing things she knows not to do. I thought Ok maybe it's school and maybe she is learning stuff from others. Then I thought she is just trying to get a handle on what was going on around her. I asked her if she wanted to go to school on Wednesday and she said yes. So Wednesday morning we got up and she went to school. I was greeted at the door by her teacher telling me there was a mishap on the playground. Apparently 2 boys were fighting. Claire stepped in and wanted them to stop. One of the boys shoved her and well she laid him out. She got in trouble and the 2 boys got in trouble too. Her only fault was wanting them to stop fighting. I told her next time she sees something like this to go find a teacher. She told me she would because she didn't want a time out again. That night she cried and told me she missed her daddy. She had been rather quiet and sort of reserved but still acting out. On Thursday we played and we swam and I did everything I could do to make her happy. Then bath time came around. She had meltdown of all meltdowns again. Two in less than a week. This is unlike her. She then told me she missed her daddy.
Finally it hit me. It isn't school that's making her act out, mouthy and all around unlike herself, it was the no time with her dad. She loves her daddy. She misses her daddy. She only wants one day a week with her daddy. She isn't asking for much. She is only 3 once in her life and she needs him. She was even coming up with ideas to make him come home...."Mama if we order pizza Daddy will have to come home to eat." I sat and thought about it. I wondered if Mike working so much and her going to school was too much for her. If her little brain could handle it all.
I got her up this morning for school and she seemed sad. I asked her if she wanted to go to school. She said yes. I then asked "What do we do if we see a fight?" "Go to the teacher. I don't want a time out." "Good girl." I took her to school. She was very quiet. She didn't want me to leave. She then went and sat alone and played with animals. I became sad. She is too young to be so sad. I left and I cried and cried and cried. I asked myself again "Is she old enough? Is she ready for school? What is best for her not me?" I still came back to the answer "Yes". But what she really needs is Daddy time. That is what is missing. So we are going to fix that sooner than later. She is the most important thing in our life. She comes first. I will give up anything that I have for her to not be sad. I can't be daddy for her even though I try. Only one person can be daddy. I feel so bad for him because it's such a huge stress. I mean having to work, being dog tired and knowing that his little girl is so sad. What a burden. Hopefully it will be worked out soon. Until then thanks for reading my depressing post. :)
P. S. During all this I had someone I thought would be above all name calling and ugly decide to in fact be ugly. She called me some nasty things that really really bothered me. It's ok though, the way I look at it she did me a favor and I will continue to pray because I am above that.
